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Fun
A young lawyer was on his way to court when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St Peter started to escort him inside when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some mistake “I am much too young to die I am only 35” St Peter agreed to check on his case. When St Peter returned he told the lawyer that there was no mistake “it must be yours my son we verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you billed to your clients and you’re at least 108.
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Cross Examination in court
Lawyer: Do you recall the time that you examined the body
Witness: The Autopsy started around 8.30pm
Lawyer: And Mr Denton was dead at the time?
Witness: No he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
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Lawyer: Doctor before you performed the autopsy did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No
Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No
Lawyer: So then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy
Witness: No
Lawyer: How can you be so sure Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar
Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
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On their way to get married a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they to begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St Peter shows up they asked him, St Peter says “I don’t know” This is the first time anyone has asked “Let me go find out” and he leaves
The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven SHOULD they get married what with the eternal aspect of it all “What if it doesn’t work?” they wondered “Are we stuck together FOREVER”
After yet another month St Peter finally returns looking somewhat bedraggled “Yes” he informs the couple “you CAN get married in Heaven”
“Great!” said the couple “But we were just wondering what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?” St Peter, red faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground “What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple
“OH COME ON” St Peter shouts “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”
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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks; his bookkeeper is deaf. It is considered an occupational benefit and the reason he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he’d ever have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million dollars he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather says to his attorney “Ask the bookkeeper where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?”
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million bucks is hidden
The bookkeeper signs back “I don’t know what you are talking about”
The attorney tells the Godfather “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about”
The Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol puts it to the bookkeepers head, cocks it and says “Ask him again!”
The attorney signs to the underling “He’ll kill you for sure if you don’t tell him!”
The bookkeeper signs back “OK! You win! The money is in a briefcase buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in New Jersey!”
The Godfather asks his attorney “Well what’d he say?”
The attorney replies “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger”
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Q What do you have when lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A Not enough sand
Q Why don’t sharks attack lawyers?
A Professional courtesy
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Q How do you save a drowning lawyer?
A Take your foot off his head
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Q How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A How many can you afford
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Q What is the difference between a dead dog in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
A There are skid marks in front of the dog
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Q How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A His lips are moving
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Q Father Christmas the Tooth Fairy an honest lawyer and an old drunk were walking down the road when they saw a £10 note on the pavement. Which one picked it up?
A The old drunk of course the others are mythical creatures
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Q What is the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A A bad lawyer can let a case drag on for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer
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Q Did you hear about the terrorist who hijacked a Boeing 747 full of lawyers?
A He threatened to release one every hour if his demands were not met
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Q What is the difference between God and a lawyer?
A God does not think he is a lawyer
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Q What is yellow and looks good on a lawyer?
A A JCB earthmover
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A man died and was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of torment – the rack that was to stretch him in agony forever – he passed a side-room where a lawyer was being entertained by a beautiful young woman. She was pandering to his every whim. This is unfair said the dead man Why have I got to spend eternity stretched on a rack among flames while the lawyer spends all eternity with that beautiful woman? The Devil prodded him with his pitchfork “silence” he snarled Who are you to question that woman’s punishment
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